Sunday, November 05, 2006

Hell on Earth

Okay, maybe that is exaggerating it a bit. But if there is one place on Earth that truly brings out the curmudgeon in me, it is a crowded supermarket. For me, that particular supermarket is Greenfield's Shoprite in Plainview.

It could just be my own biased perspective, but I cannot think of any place with such a concentration of self absorbed blockheads as Shoprite. You get one fat old lady who parks her shopping cart one one side of the aisle and then proceeds to place herself in the space between her cart and the row of shelves on the other side, while she spends an eternity trying to figure out which brand of pancake syrup she wants to buy. Then there is the clod who stops his cart in the space next to where another customer has parked her cart. Another customer blocks the entrance to the frozen aisle with her cart while she examines the ice cream freezer. Then there are the two housewives who haven't spoken in the last three weeks who decide that they are going to block the shampoo and toothpaste aisle so that they can swap neighborhood gossip for the next ten minutes. What is it with these people? Why doesn't it enter their thick skulls that there are other customers in the store who need to get their shopping done and don't have all day in which to do it? Any why do they have to constantly cling to their shopping carts as if they were personal appendages?

I must confess that sometimes I daydream about mowing these people down with an AK-47. Then reality sets in when I realize that if I did massacre these annoying customers, their bullet ridden corpses would just end up being obstacles that I could not get around with my own shopping cart. So, I usually deal with these idiots with passive-aggressive methods. My most common ploy is to stomp my feet loudly as I get closer and closer to the customer in front of me. That usually gets their attention and they pull out of my way or go faster than their previous snail's pace. Another tactic I use is to hum the theme to Jeopardy.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life, as you can probably tell from the paragraphs above, is when my freedom of movement is curtailed. For me, it is very important to be able to move about with speed and efficiency, and I try to extend the same courtesy to others. When I am at the supermarket, I often park my shopping cart in a spot where it does not get in the way of other customers, and then I go up and down nearby aisles to find the items on my list. I do not feel the need to constantly have my cart with me wherever I go. When I do have the cart with me and I pause to peruse the shelves, I make sure that I am leaving a sufficient enough space so that other customers can pass by me. I even bring my own bags with me and have them ready so that I can pack my groceries as soon as the register girl scans them.

Yeah, I know, there are worse things that one has to deal with in life than clueless morons at the supermarket. But I just felt the need to vent. Besides, it has been a while since my last post and I thought I needed to post at least something to demonstrate that I am still alive and kicking. I also wanted to at last do a post that was not about atheism or religion.

In a way, my supermarket experience is a metaphor for my philosophy of life. There are so many things in the world that anger or annoy us that we feel powerless to do anything about. I can't snap my fingers and cause the roughly 50% of the customers at Shoprite who are clueless assholes to suddenly change their annoying behavior. All I can do is be thoughtful and try not to get in the way of other customers when I am at the supermarket. As my motto goes, "If you want to make the world a better place, then don't add to its problems."


Baconeater said...

I wonder if Atheists are more mindful, considerate shoppers than Fundies.

Someone should do a study.

See, every post you make has something to do with Atheism.

Stardust said...

I hate the supermarket, too. And all the things that you wrote about people blocking the aisles while oblivious to the other people around them drive me crazy! I have gotten to the point where I just blurt out...EXCUSE ME PLEASE...and I smile and they do move. The most inconsiderate shoppers, however, are the ones who will run you over with their shopping carts with no qualms. Or worse, ram into the backs of your ankles...yeooouch! I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and it often affects me ankles, so it really hurts! Inconsiderate asses! THEN they don't even say they are sorry! I just want to turn around and smack them!

Stardust said...

I just want to also say that my biggest shopping Hell on Earth is IKEA! I HATE that store. The two times I have been inside one was with my daughter who loves their stuff. However, it is a chaotic zoo to try to shop in. People everywhere, then you have to pick out what you want, take a "tag" and go to the warehouse and get the piece of crap whatever you want to buy off the warehouse shelves by yourself and then haul it to the super long check out lines with the rest of the shopping hoards. Last time we were in there, people would practically push you out of the way, the thermostat must be set at 95 degrees and then you have to be your own warehouse guy on top of it all! I told my daughter, never again will I set foot in there.

Sable Chicken said...

Tommy I will have to try the Jeopardy song next time I find myself stuck behind the slow parade.

Don't ever try Chuckie Cheese Please. The place smells like stale old cheese has been ground into the carpet. There is no ventilation. The only reason people go there is because it is raining and you just want to get out of the house, so it's all wet and sweaty in there. Oh and the noise is deafening! Kids running insanely to and fro. It is so out of control that you can't let your guard down for a minute, if you just blink your eyes, than your kid is gone. It's like the Lord of the Flies. I found myself standing in the middle of this hell, screaming my daughters name at the top of my lungs and I still couldn't hear myself. I left making a solemn promise to myself that I would never step into that place again....and I never have.

But one of my favorite things to do was, to watch other mothers that have lost all control of their kids. It happens most of the time in some kind of tube play structure. The kid is up there and will not come down. The mom says, "Get down or I will start counting.....I mean it....I'm going to count to three. Don't make me start counting. Ok that's it! ONE.....TWO....I'm counting now...GET DOWN...ONE....TWO. I mean it. Do you want me to get on the cell phone and call your father! ONE....TWO....!"

This is when I start counting also, "Two and a half......two and three quarters.....two and seven eighths."
I think it is pretty funny, but the other moms don't think so. My mocking always gets them to stop counting and get climbing up the tube after their little brat.
I'm so mean.

Dani Kekoa said...

It could be worse. You could shop a Super Wal-Mart with a bunch of Mexican illegals crowded in like a herd of cattle who have a half a dozen illegitimate kids with them, bouncing around and screaming at the top of their lungs in Spanish while the parents are oblivious to what's going on....Now that's hell on earth! No use in saying "excuse me" cause no one frickin understands English. I just love being a white minority in my own country.

Dani Kekoa said...

SC - But one of my favorite things to do was, to watch other mothers that have lost all control of their kids.

Too Funny!

When we see other kids acting up, my girls look at me and say, "that kid is a brat! He needs a spanking huh mom?" - Yes he does sweetie!

Anonymous said...

Wow. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who daydreams about gunning people down publicly.

But what I'd really like to do is dig the upper beard of a hand axe under someone's jaw, and then rip it out completely. I would probably ejaculate instantly afterwards.

I love myself. :)

Tommykey said...

Well, just to confirm my already low opinion of Shoprite customers, some lowlife took my turkey out of my shopping cart a short while ago when I stepped away from my cart to get a couple of items.

You see, the store was very crowded, and to try to negotiate the aisles of the store with a shopping cart is like being stuck in a car during rush hour traffic. That is why I tend to leave my cart and walk to different parts of the store to get what I need and come back.

Only this time, when I got back, I noticed that my cart had been moved, which happens sometimes, but I also noticed this time that something was missing. My turkey was gone. And it wasn't like it was on top and easy to grab quickly. Whomever stole my turkey had to take off the other groceries that were on top of the turkey.

I was so livid that I started going up to other shopping carts to see if they had my turkey in it, because my turkey was the Shoprite brand turkey and weighed 12.08 pounds. After stalking up and down several aisles without success, I decided it was an exercise in futility and grabbed another turkey. Rather than continue shopping for the rest of the items on the list, I decided that it was best to just pay for what I had so I would not have another turkey stolen from me. Had that happened, I really would have gone off the deep end.

I have to admit though, part of me was tempted to leave my cart with the second turkey and then observe it from a safe distance to see if I could catch an asshole customer in the act and read them the riot act. But cooler heads prevailed.

Anonymous said...

Are you my neighbor? I live in Plainview and shop at the same store... I can't stand the people there... I always make sure I put my cart to the side, let others by who are browsing quicker than I and make sure I don't block the aisles....

I'm going to start bringing one of those horns with me, maybe they'll get the point....

Best days to shop are Jewish Holidays, place is empty!