Saturday, February 28, 2009

Annoying Filipino Catholic Chain E-mails - Part 2

This particular one isn't as bad as the one below, but is more annoying in a way because it contains mostly commonsensical advice that does not require the God stuff mixed into it. Here goes:

This is the most beautiful advice I have ever received in an email ... Please don't close or delete this one before reading!

Fine, if you say so.

An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'

An angel said that? Really? Which one? When?

1. Pray Why?
2. Go to bed on time. If I stop to pray, I might not get to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed. Sorry, I gotta press the snooze button two or three times.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health. No disagreement there. Though in the real world we don't always have that luxury. If you stop going to church, you might have some more free time.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others. Sure. Go to church and say my prayers for me so I don't have to.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life. I work full time, have two young kids, have a house to run, and my mother to take care of. I can't simplify and unclutter my life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.) Give me half of your money. That way you will have twice as much as before.
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places. Pure genius!

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together. No disagreement here.
10. Take one day at a time. Ditto.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it. There is no God to tell me what to do.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases. More simple commonsense. No need to bring God into the equation.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc. Ditto.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble. I guess that means I really can't tell you what I really think of these e-mails.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday. You're a dork! There, I did it.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line. Why the Bible when there are so many more interesting and informative books out there?
17. Get enough rest. As soon as I finish this blog post.
18. Eat right. Maybe the Bible would be useful if it contained some really good recipes.
19 Get organized so everything has its place. Come on, get real. Who has time for that?

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life. I can't. I need to pay attention to the road so I don't get into an accident and totally fuck up my quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations. That's what this blog is for.
22. Every day, find time to be alone. My wife is at work and my kids are in bed. I'm alone now.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray. All you really needed to do was write "Try to nip small problems in the bud." The rest was totally unnecessary.
24. Make friends with Godly people. I guess that means you don't want to be friends with me.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand. Why?
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .' What has Jesus done for me lately?
27. Laugh. You make me laugh.
28. Laugh some more! Let's not get carried away now.
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all. I prefer the reverse, actually.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can). I forgive you for writing these stupid e-mails I keep getting.
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most). Perhaps. But some people are really just assholes.
32. Sit on your ego. If you say so.
33 Talk less; listen more. Okay.
34. Slow down. I wasn't going fast to begin with.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe. Why? It never occurs to me to think that I am.
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAYOF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. I'm grateful that the God of the Bible doesn't exist.

'If God is for us, who can be against us?' (Romans8:31) That's why the Philippines is such an economic success story, right? The only reason you're Catholic is because the Spanish got to your ancestors before the Muslims did. If the Spanish got there 100 years later, you would probably sending Muslim chain e-mails right now.

My instructions were to send this to four people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. I decided to send it to more than four, because I didn't want to limit blessings. So God, if He exists, isn't going to bless me unless you send me an e-mail?

SEND IT FORWARD PLEASE, Not backward! You do realize this is the 21st century, right? It's really long overdue that you put this silly, superstitious bullshit behind you.


RedFerret said...

Keep 'em coming mate. Comedy Gold!


Danny Boy, FCD said...

Islam did come here before Catholicism but it only prospered in the southern part of the country. I'm still thankful that they never got further north, or else I'd be a kaffir with a fatwa on my head.

Tommykey said...

Danny, maybe it would have been better if the English got there first.

Several years ago, when we were visiting my wife's family, I was talking with her tatay one evening. I was surprised when he said to me something along the lines of "It seems like every country that was ever ruled by Spain is a mess."

Anonymous said...

Please help us by acquiring this Catholic Traditionalist CD and by making a donation
to one of the few left of the remnant Church Militant; designed to expose the masonic evils of our world and implement philosophies, technologies, and economies
designed to preserve and protect present and future generations.

All challenges or assistance welcomed and encouraged.

Introducing the new Traditionalist Catholic National Anthem: Guns & Jesus.

Andrea said...

Speaking of, I just received another forward last night...this one included a shiny Jesus waving his arm at me, I guess in the form of a cross? What a fair-haired, blue-eyed beauty that Jesus was.

Stardust said...

I get so many of these from Christians it's not even funny. And when I outright have asked some of them "Do you really believe in this crap?" they hesitate, sort of act embarrassed but they never have said no.

I always find it amazing that so many religious people are so superstitious about all sorts of things. My poor Grandma feared breaking mirrors, black cats crossing her path, walking under ladders, and she feared Friday the 13th so much that she changed her birth date since her birthday was on the 13th of October. And she was a loyal church goer and god believer.

Tommykey said...

Hey Stardust!

It's been that way almost since the beginning. People embrace Christianity, but underneath its veneer, they still cling to the old ways.

In a book I read recently about the spread of Christianity in Europe, missionaries often spent as much time, if not more, among the recently converted, who would still offer sacrifices to pagan gods and seek pagan healers, all while attending church on Sunday. The superstitions you mention are a vestigial remnant of that.

tina FCD said...

That's how I told my sister I was atheist. I asked people to stop sending me god e-mails.