Saturday, July 04, 2020

If Donald Trump was Coach of the 2019-2020 Detroit Red Wings

Before the NHL's 2019-2020 season was abruptly ended due to the COVID-19 outbreak this past March, the Detroit Red Wings, once a dominant team that had made the playoffs for 25 consecutive seasons, was the absolute worst team in the league.  After playing 71 games, the Red Wings compiled a record of 17 wins, 45 regulation losses and 5 overtime losses, for a paltry 39 points.  To put things in perspective, the next worst team in the Eastern Conference, the Ottowa Senators, had amassed 62 points in 71 games.  Any coach who had overseen such an abysmal performance would be hard put to explain it as anything but a failure.  But what if Donald Trump had coached the Red Wings this past season?  What would he have to say? 

"Yeah, sure you could look at the statistics and say yeah, that's really bad.  Look at the Red Wings!  They're the worst team in the NHL!  But if you want to be honest, we really were one of the best teams in the league.  A lot of those games were close games, really, really close.  We lost by one or two goals.  If things had gone just a little bit different, if we had scored one or two more goals and the other teams had scored a little bit less, we would have won those games and we would have made the playoffs.  Plus the refs were really unfair to us, calling penalties on us that we really didn't deserve, which gave the other teams some power play goals. So a lot of those losses were because of the refs, who were really, really vicious to me.  The fake news media won't talk about that.  If you only listened to them, you would never know that I coached one of the best teams in the NHL this season."

Friday, July 03, 2020

If Donald Trump Was Captain of the Titanic

Being the consummate salesman and bullshit artist, Donald Trump has always had the ability to find ways to spin every failure or setback on his part as stunning success.  So, I imagine ways that he would try to gloss over other real life disasters if they happened on his watch.  The first one I thought of is if he was the captain of the Titanic.

"The Titanic was a beautiful ship on a perfect cruise until the iceberg, which no one could have seen coming and no one could know how much damage it would cause.  I saved a lot of lives, probably more than any ship captain in history, and thanks to our tremendous work, we got hundreds of passengers and crew members to New York, but the fake news media doesn't want to talk about that.  All in all, despite the ship sinking, it really was a fantastic success."

Trump's Reelection Message In a Nutshell

The American people need to give me another term as president because very bad things are happening in the United States right now that weren't supposed to happen when you elected me in 2016.